Something's Gotta Give

I will preface this all by saying, I'm caffeinated. Typically I am a decaf girl, but tonight I'm caffeinated. What does this mean? That I'm all jacked up with nowhere to go - well, sort of. But, I mean it literally - typically I never have caffeine, but tonight, I did. Typically I don't consume caffeine - I don't drink soda, I don't drink coffee or lattes, and I'm currently off candy (that makes it sound like I have an addiction - I guess I do), so my caffeine consumption is relatively zip. That also means that when I do have it, it really gets to me. I really get going when I have caffeine. I needed to drink it tonight so that I could keep my eyes open during farmer's market, and it has gone above and beyond. Literally, I was talking aloud to myself the whole drive home from market because I had so much energy, and half the time I spent yelling (yes, yelling) out lines from the following video clip (which I showed in every class today and I find hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaPepCVepCg). So, that is your warning - this post could be random ramblings and gibberish.

But I do have a point in posting. Because seriously right now, something has got to give. Part of the reason I may have talked aloud to myself the whole way home could be because I have gone certifiably insane. Or that is what I feel like. Seriously, I keep on running, keep on running, keep on working, and when I'm done its like nothing was accomplished.

Let's just bring you back to the beginning. I'm a teacher, and it is my first year teaching an AP course, which is super exciting, but so demanding. I think I could eat, sleep, and breathe AP and I still wouldn't be totally prepared. So, I'm working a lot of hours at school. Well, things are complicated on the farm right now - bills are coming, money is tight, and there is so much work to do. Add on the fact that the first frost is coming ridiculously early, and you are talking about a situation where the shit is hitting the fan. So that's what happened, last night. Luke had a freak-out session, and me, being his wife who is eager to please, put my own stuff aside to help him. Rather than grade my work or prepare for class, I picked peppers until it was too dark to see, then I froze older peppers that needed to be processed, then I cleaned the kitchen and did dishes, then opened up the computer to look at our financing, then sent out emails to everyone in the CSA (yes, Luke was working his tail-off during this time as well). I had a momentary thought of baking a pumpkin pie to cheer Luke up, but then it was like "who am i kidding - that's never gonna happen." Regardless, Luke was in a much better place after I helped him with everything, and he felt even better when I told him I would work the farmer's market for him and he could stay at home and cover all the crops to protect them from frost. Add to it figuring out how to apply for our first loan, and you could call me wonder woman. But, it is at my own expense. But isn't that what you do in love? True love, sacrificing yourself for another - at least that is what they say in the movies, and it seems to be true.

Well, that made a tired farmer's wife/teacher, so today was not an easy today. And it's like, I swear, I'm just trying to be a good person and help, and things just continue to go wrong, to get worse. Where is my good karma? Unnecessary things seem to happen when I am just trying to help: like a box will break and the heaviest object in the box will fall on my toe. Or, something will fall and I will break it. Or when I'm trying to be crafty, a door will slam out of nowhere and I will drop everything. It's so unnecessary, there are times when I literally look into the sky and scream (yes, scream) "I'm a good person, I'm just trying to help, why the hell is everything going wrong?" It may seem pitiful, it may seem extreme, but sometimes it feels like the walls are crumbling.

That's what I feel like today. Seriously, there have to be a few screws loose right now because I am spent, and don't even know what to do next, but I gotta do something. But, as I drove home from market, I realized that if I don't stop, then somethings gotta give. Seriously, when is Jack Nicholson gonna turn up naked, or was that Diane Keaton? (I don't know, I didn't really like that movie, but I remember there was an old naked person.)

Regardless, I feel that I have to give so much and help so much to alleviate the stress, but all it does is transfer the stress to me. I don't know, you may be thinking "why in the world is she sitting here blogging if she is so busy and overwhelmed?" The answer is that if I don't get some of these thoughts out of my brain, then I won't be able to focus on school-work anyway. Maybe this is what needed to give - maybe I had to stop trapping all my lunatic thoughts inside. I don't know. Regardless, it feels good to get the thoughts out there. Now, I have to do schoolwork. Luke is going to help me grade quizzes. I guess maybe that's what love is - sacrificing yourselves for each other, both doing the most you can for each other, not because it is easy, but because it is love.



I also have to add this story that Luke just told me.  It happened today, at market, before I got there, while he was setting up the booth. A little old lady came walking up and asked how much the broccoli cost. He responded $2.50/pound. She responded "NO!"
 Luke didn't really know why she would yell out "no" to the price, so he gave her a puzzled look. She said to him, "I don't even like broccoli that much, and I especially don't like it enough to pay that for it." Then she turned, and walked away. Classic. I laughed for 5 minutes when he told me this story.  It feels good to laugh.